Mom Rage: What It Is and Why It Isn’t Your Fault

Motherhood can be the joyful, loving, fun experience we all see from mommy bloggers on instagram. But let's be honest – it's also a rollercoaster of emotions, challenges, and moments that push us to our absolute limits. As a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, I've had countless conversations with mothers who have experienced what is commonly known as "mom rage." It looks like that seemingly dormant monster that decides to pop up whenever your partner asks you, yet again, another question. Or doesn’t put the dishes away or help you clean your pump parts for tomorrow morning. That monster comes out to scream at the top of her lungs something so offensive, even you are surprised by her.

It's a topic that's often brushed under the rug, but today, we're going to shine a little light on it and explore the underlying societal issues that contribute to this phenomenon.

So, I mean, what is “mom rage” anyway? It's that intense surge of anger or frustration that bubbles up seemingly out of nowhere, often triggered by the demands and stresses of motherhood and the unequal sharing of the parental mental load. From endless diaper changes to sleepless nights to juggling work and childcare, it's honestly no wonder that moms can feel overwhelmed and on edge.

But here's the thing – mom rage is not just about individual moms losing their cool. It's a symptom of a much larger issue – the unrealistic expectations and societal pressures placed on mothers. From the moment we become mothers, we're bombarded with messages about what it means to be the perfect mom from Instagram and TikTok to your mother-in-law’s opinion – to have it all, do it all, and be it all. But the truth is, no one can live up to these impossible standards without feeling the weight of constant stress and exhaustion.

Let's take a closer look at some of the underlying societal issues that contribute to mom rage:

The Culture of Perfectionism: Society glorifies the idea of the "perfect mom" who effortlessly balances work, family, and self-care. But in reality, perfection is unattainable, and striving for it only sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

The Myth of Self-Sacrifice: Mothers are often expected to prioritize the needs of their children and families above their own, leading to burnout and resentment. But self-care is not selfish – it's essential for our well-being and the well-being of our families. You really can’t skip self-care and expect to be OK.

The Stigma of Asking for Help: There's a pervasive belief that mothers should be able to handle everything on their own, without asking for help or support. But reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and no mother should have to struggle alone.

The Lack of Policies for Families: Citing the absence of comprehensive family support policies in the U.S., such as paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and access to mental health resources, which exacerbate the challenges faced by mothers, leaving them feeling unsupported and overwhelmed.

The Lack of Work-Life Balance: Many mothers face the impossible choice between advancing their careers and being present for their families. The lack of supportive policies, such as paid parental leave and flexible work arrangements, only exacerbates this dilemma.

So, what can we do to address mom rage and the underlying societal issues? Here are a few suggestions:

Cultivate Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and recognize that you're doing the best you can in an impossible situation. Give yourself permission to prioritize self-care and set boundaries that honor your needs, even if they don’t look “traditional”.

Challenge Unrealistic Expectations: Push back against society's unrealistic standards of motherhood and redefine what it means to be a good mom on your own terms. Surround yourself with supportive communities that celebrate authenticity and imperfection.

Advocate for Change: Speak up and advocate for policies and resources that support mothers and families, such as paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and mental health services. Use your voice to demand systemic change that benefits all mothers.

Seek Professional Help: If mom rage is interfering with your daily life and relationships, don't hesitate to seek help from a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health. Therapy can provide you with the tools and support you need to manage your emotions and navigate the challenges of motherhood.

Mom rage is a complex and multifaceted issue that stems from the unrealistic expectations and societal pressures placed on mothers. By acknowledging and addressing the underlying societal issues, we can create a more supportive and compassionate world for mothers and families. Remember, you are not alone, and you are not to blame.